Ever felt that you would like to be someone else, just for a little while?
Does the mild-mannered persona which you are forced to adopt in real life leave you without an outlet for your bile?
Fancy yourself as an urban warrior, but you only have the evenings and weekends to play with?
Then we have a solution for you!
The University of Teh Intarweb(est. 2007)
is proud to present the
Troll By Troll West
Annual Vocational Conference of Trolls!
In today's fast-moving and ever-evolving world of the information superhighway it is all too easy to be over-looked. By signing up for our workshops and conferences, you too can find your niche. All you have to do is to send us $$$ and want to live the dream.
08:30 Meet and greet session for the delegates. Complimentary Jolt Cola and Red Bull cocktails as well as a selection of high-sodium snacks shall be provided.
09:00 An Introduction to Trolling
Can anyone troll? Yes! But it takes a very special kind of person to troll effectively, to really get under the skin and to reach the hearts, souls and minds of the intarwebbing public. Internationally-renowned veteran and Über-Troll teh_bollox shall give a presentation detailing just why and how you might wish to do so as well as giving an overview of the rest of the day's proceedings.
09:30 Troll Pure: Making a Mountain Out of a Molehill
Is a topic just not being handled seriously enough for your liking on some newsgroup or another? Has someone responded to a post of yours in a way which may indicate that they, however infinitesimally, have had the audacity not to agree with you 110%? Our panel detail to you just quite how you can ascertain this and which responses are guaranteed to engender just the right level of "WTF?" in your chosen victims. Classic themes of response such as, "You insensitive bastard, my x was killed by a y" and "You are evidently HARD OF THINKING because..." are examined and explored.
10:30 Stylistic Panel
The majority of trolls prefer the incendiary bomb style of response to posts made by the innocent. Others take a more subtle approach, choosing to present themselves as cultured and educated whilst being trolls for all that. Topics covered include:
Feigning Mental Illness 101
Worried that you might not be sounding paranoid enough? Wacky enough? Psychotic enough? Our experts shall take you through the ways to hint at an array of worrying symptoms. True experts can garner sympathy from
The Noble Art of the Insult
When is personal too personal? Or is there no such thing? Doyennes of the artform debate the whys and wherefores of insulting responses to other people's posts.
12:30 Techniques Explained
There are so many ways to troll and you owe it to yourself to explore every option before you pick out the method (or methods!) which best suit you. Topics covered include:
Thread Revenance: You Just Wouldn't Let It Lie...
A How-to guide to railroading entire discussions to suit your own ends with a special emphasis on picking those themes which especially annoy/agitate other participants in your one-(wo)man theatre.
The Observer's Guide to shibboleths and pedantry taken to offensively logical extremes. After all It's The Rules ® and you were Only Trying To Do Them A Favour FFS ©.
Who can you especially pick on to make the drama run and run? Whose sympathy may be won and whose help may be enlisted? Put more simply, how do you spot a mark who can be made to cry and cry or else eventually rupture something. Special attention shall be paid to pissing off bloggers/mods.
Post Often, Comment More
'Nuff said! You deserve to be heard! No-one else does, mind...
14:30 Break for lunch of Diet Coke and Fritos.
15:30 Practical Session
Time to put some of the theory into practice. Each delegate shall be provided with a list of URLs and let loose. Prizes shall later be awarded for the most responses received, the most people puzzled and the most original approach to our art-form.
17:30 Master Class Trolling
Sock Puppets and Hydras
Case studies shall be delivered concerning the best way to manage multiple trollish personae who can leap in to support you, argue against you or else randomly offend others. Keep'em guessing or be so obvious about it all that people are somewhat insulted; you decide.
Your username has been banned and your IP logged and refused, but you just weren't ready to say goodbye? People are ignoring you, no matter how outrageous you are? Folks have dared to call you a TROLL? Others seem to find you GENUINELY AMUSING? Magic these problems (and others) away with the help of this workshop.
The Thrill Has Gone
Suddenly what you have done just seems stupid and pointless and a waste of time. But cheer up, O trollish one! Help is at hand from our motivational trainers. You shall never give up! Never! You rule!
Dine upon our exclusively-prepared Casse-Croûte Frit avec Fromage Luminuex dans un Jus du Boisson Gazeux Caféiné.
21:30 'til late Disco!
Testimonials from Past Delegates:
King Troll, Outer Space:
"Within 3 months of attending your conference I had not only effectively closed down a major talkboard, but I had made no fewer than 3 LJers go into hiding!"
JMK, Colney Hatch:
"I have gone from being a lurker and occasional poster to someone who can make the denizens of alt.doilyfans bitchfight at the click of a mouse. Thank you, UTI!"
"101!!!i pw|\|3d 7|-|053 5u(k4z g00d!!!"
So where's the delay? Your future begins here.
Book now as places are limited.
You can all rush and vote for me here