T'other day in the bath, I looked down at my tree trunk legs and witnessed an even more dreadful sight than usual. My calfs were covered in a long and luxuriant mat of dark hair. Now, it was not a shock to me that I had hairy legs - I don't generally wear skirts or go around bare-legged and thus have maybe shaved my legs about 5 times in my life - but a) my leg hair used to be blonde b) even allowing for the fact that it was now dark, it certainly seemed to be much longer and thicker than it had ever appeared before. Cue leg-shave #6 and the epiphany that I am getting older. It was time to check what other follicles had betrayed me. Arm hair - well, blonder than the leg hair, not especially thick. No sign of chest hair (phew). Eyebrows not growing together any more than before. Then I felt my chin. Oh horror! For years I have had 2 or 3 short (blonde) hairs there. Now I have slightly darker fuzz starting (?) to grow on either side. I don't need to shave or anything, but I must be prepared for the inevitable and womanfully accept that I don't need to shave YET!
So what is a girl to do in such a situation? Naturally, it was time for me to assess what was going to happen next and limit the damage. In other words, I may have to take matters into my own hands. If I face a future as a bearded lady, I might aswell take ownership of the problem and at least plan the configuration of my facial hair
Here are 2 specimens of what I might be facing should I continue in my current policy of ignoring my hairy bits (other than my underarms - I may live on the Continent, but I haven't gone native yet. Well, not to that extent.). I was especially fond of Chewbacca as a child, even if 'wookie' isn't 'ewok' spelled backwards. Even when he was growling and raving, I knew that he didn't mean it really, which is more than can be said when I growl and rave. However, as little of a sartorial impact as I have ever endeavoured to make on the world, even I know that this would not be the 'look' for me. Similarly, although I am fond of the character of Hagrid in the HP books, I do not believe that I should attempt to emulate his style.
Now, Jack White certainly does take his facial hair seriously. Despite his passing resemblance to Zorro or Guy Fawkes in V for Vendetta, this beardlet is indeed rather fetching on him. I am afraid, that despite my best efforts, I already have the hairdo (but not the hat). Of course, there would be 2 problems with such a set-up for me. Firstly, it loooks very much as if it takes an awful lot of maintenance, which I doubt I could be bothered with. Secondly, I imagine that I shall become so hirsute that, should I get my beard down to these minimalist levels, I might as well just learn how to shave the whole thing off, which would be rather defeating the point of the exercise.
Ron Mael is famous for his facial hair, but I am afraid that I must also dismiss his choice on the above-mentioned grounds plus on a further ground. I live in Germany. I'm not certain if I could actually be arrested for sporting such a moustache, but people would likely give me a wide berth. I doubt that the 'it's a Charlie Chaplin' argument would wash here. Next.
A much fuller moustache could work, but as I recall, Hercule Poirot had to sleep with one of those moustache net thigns on all of the time. I can barely keep the covers on the bed at night, so I would envisage my first act of very morning having to be finding the damn 'tache net again if I grew a Poirot. So... dismissed.
Feast your eyes upon the Billy Childish. As soup strainers go, this one is ahead by a nose. It looks relatively low maintenance, requiring nothing more than the occasional trim, the occasional comb, a bit of shampooing and then five seconds or so on the ends with wax. It would come with the added side benefits that I could appear as Uncle Joe at children's parties and make a career out of annoying Tracey Emin.
Finally, I must make a nod to my forebears. Edward VII had a very exciting life, and I (need to) believe that his beard played a major role in this. Plus I have the benefit of knowing that whatever a valet was doing to keep his under control back then, a Philishave could achieve for me in a matter of minutes. It is a classic beard. On more extreme days, I could pretend to be W.G. Grace. I especially like the way that the beard sets off the cricket cap in this picture - I could get one of those plus the cricket bat might come in handy negotiating my way around town (MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Thwack!).
So, as anyone who has borne with me thus far can see, I am open to further suggestions as to how I could wear my lady-beard in the future. The floor!